Group Dynamics Dynamited

Call this blog an Anger Eulogy.

It's no secret to any of you who read this blog (at current count, that's exactly ZERO) that I am in a court-appointed anger management class.

Well, first news on the forum is I have 9 MORE CLASSES to fulfill my obligation! YAY!

You may think I will be running, not walking, from this class the moment I have completed my requirements to the court. That's what I thought.

But you forget... I have seen the same faces coming to class for months. We have built a group trust together, a band of brothers under the skin. I yearn to hear the stories in each other's lives and yearn to tell mine to them, whether they be successful or otherwise-- I have learned to take lessons from both.

Members join at odd times and leave whenever. Some stay just for their appointed length and then leave in a burst of light and burnt gas. Sometimes they leave skid marks at the exit. Others come of their own volition and see the group not as a punishment, but as a powerful and helpful learning experience. Those folks can stay for years. I have no direct experience with that last statement, only the assurance of our group leader, but I see no reason to disbelieve him.

I have seen several members leave in my 42 weeks so far. Most have left with a whimper, slipping out quietly or with a somber goodbye. One brought pizza (YUM!). One left in a fit of rage (as you might have expected) and has not been seen since, though they were required to be here and would almost certainly been awarded jail time if they did not complete their 'sentence'.

Of the people in the group in any given week, individual participation is an interesting dynamic. The ones who feel this is a punishment tend to give less of themselves in group. They share their emotions only when prompted to, and even then they tend to be guarded and only give away the bare minimum. I suppose I see their point-- some of the rules indicate that certain key information has to lawfully be communicated to the court (the same court who issued this 'punishment' to begin with), which might take it upon itself to stiffen the penalties for that member-- anger management group, to those members, is a yearlong trap set to put their angry asses behind bars should they slip up and expose themselves.  

Fortunately, most of the members see the positive side of attending this group. I am one of those (as you may have guessed) and understand that any insight into the inner workings of my mind will help me tremendously as I navigate through the cloth of interpersonal relationships. Recognizing my anger triggers and developing awareness of the physical cues that bring on violent encounters is a vital way to not only keep out of prison, but to have success and satisfaction when attempting to get close to others.

Fortunately I am not the only one. Many others have seen the same benefits and are utilizing the program to great advantage, and I speak of those folks today. Today we lost not only a valued contributor of the group, we lost TWO. This leaves a gaping emotional hole in the fabric of class, and I shudder to imagine how next week's class will be affected.

A side note: the members of the class are always from the broad spectrum of humanity: People of every race, every religion, every nationality come together to reflect on this issue which affects us all. It's no surprise that one insight gleaned early in class is that we're all much more similar than we are different. I knew this on a subconscious level, of course; but there's nothing like being in a group like this, saturated with emotion, to drive the point home.

Yeah, so the loss of two seasoned members leaves a void, but one that is filled back up from below. Suddenly I (the novice in this group, or so it FEELS) move to the top position, the rarified air I share with only a couple of other fellows. I look upon the faces and can count only four that I remember from my first day, and of those four only one is court-appointed. The volunteers have no end date-- they can stay as long as they want, miss weeks at a time if they need, and it's no problem, sailor. That means I'm in the number two position to leave... if I want to.

But do I want to? I see the effect this class has on my outside life-- I stand on the sidelines of every conversation, cataloging the emotions brought in, predicting the outcome of situations, aloof from the raw emotions of those immersed in the banter. Even if the conversation is just me and another person, I am watching their faces and body language and metering my own reactions to their commentary. Though it sounds as though I'm living in a Petri dish, an artificial environment of my own design, I find that in fact it creates a comfort zone of understanding, a sort of higher plane of communication. I find myself saying things like, "You say you like it but your body language suggests you actually hate it," and doing things like not having to speak at all sometimes because the answers are evident, floating about in the ether between our bodies.

The lessons are powerful and effective and helpful. But I have to ask myself, are they complete? Have I learned all I need to learn? And if I do stop this class, will the distance from it reduce my abilities over time? In other words, do I need to keep refreshing my experiences from the group, or will I use the same tools from now on? Or will I get myself in trouble again, in a moment of uncheck rage?

Important questions, but one that I think I might've answered above. The secret may lie in the OTHER members of group-- the voluntary visitors. I don't know all of their stories. I don't know if they just checked themselves in from the get-go or if they are continuing past their court appointed deadline, but that seems to be the happy medium. Like hair. Hear me out.

We all cut our hair. Some cut it more often than others-- they refresh their neatness. Others allow their hair to get much more shaggy between cuts-- a more informal look. If I stop coming to class, will my tightly-honed abilities become shabbier until they drag on the floor and sop puddles up from off of the ground? Before I crush my comparison completely let me just be plain: Perhaps I shouldn't stop going to class, nor should I go weekly... the road I'm walking leads to compromise. 

Instead of cutting it out completely, I think it would help a lot if instead I weaned myself from the support slowly. I could start going every other week, or once a month, just to refresh my talents and unburden my soul. Or wait until I've had a wild ride of a week, then go to class to buttress my emotional foundation. 

BUT...

I don't see the others who have finished their court-appointed time returning, though. Not one. Not even once. It's like it was pure punishment to them. They went only because they had to, and it was better than going to county jail for 30 days. I wonder if they ever even saw the potential of the teachings in the room, or if they were just doing their taxes in their heads for two hours a week. Then I watched this court-appointed guy writing in a notebook all meeting long, every week, for almost a year. One week I sat next to him to see what he was writing, what pearls  of wisdom he was gleaning from all the stories and discussion in group. What did I see? Enormously detailed doodles... pages of them! Not a word was printed on any of the pages. At least the group was helping his artistic creativity.

I've written before about how our corrupted society has brought about a need for Anger Management classes so I'll just recap it:

The less I feel I need anger management, the more I actually need it.

So (at least at this writing) I don't see myself leaving the group permanently.

                                     BUT 

The class after my required 52 is completed just happens to fall on this year's super exciting American Idol finale.

I'll be missing group that day, thank you very much.