I Am NOT Angry... Now Bend Over And Taste The Whip!

The Anger Management Weekly is a blog all about admissions, and this entry is a prime example. I will admit to a piece of my personality not known to the general public-- heck, it's not known to most of my friends!

It's not because I am ashamed of what I am about to tell you that I keep it a secret, oh no. However, I AM ashamed of our society and it's 'lowest common denominator' style of tolerance-- only those things which are widely performed when in private stand a chance at acceptance publicly... but those things which are NOT perceived as normal might never gain ground. 

I am also ashamed at how our society forces people into categories based on small bits of information about them... how, for example, a person trapped in a loveless marriage seeks a little human contact just once, is somehow found out, and is forever tagged as an 'adulterer', though the adultery part of their life is an infinitesimal (that's realllllly small) percentage of their whole character.

Nonetheless I forge ahead, labels be damned.

I am a dom.

For all you vanilla folks out there, a 'dom' is short for a 'dominant'. In the wide world of physical/emotional titillation,  a small but growing portion of our culture sees value in the 'pain/pleasure principle' with regard to sensual excitement.

That's where S&M comes in.

Okay, here's a primer. S&M (sadism & masochism) falls under the larger tent of BDSM. BDSM is a neatly compacted set of abbreviations which open up into B&D (bondage & discipline), D&S (dominance & submission) and S&M (which you already know).

Psychiatrists have a field day with the personality types that make up the subculture of BDSM, but that's a lesson for another class. Today's post is about the relationship between a Dominant and a Submissive, a relationship which is most often compared to that of an authoritarian parent and their disobedient child. 

Whether or not corporal punishment is 'right' for children is not the issue here; I personally detest hitting a child for any reason, and have not hit my daughter in her life. The comparison is meant to convey the emotions in the situation: the authoritarian parent LOVES the child and believes that the painful punishment will keep their child from getting hurt in the future; the child LOVES the parent for caring about them even as they HATE the punishment.

In an adult DS relationship, the actions of the Dom fulfill an emotional need in the Sub; and the reverse is true as well-- the Dom is getting what he/she needs emotionally when punishing their Submissive.

There are a couple of important points to make before you call the vice squad on me:

1) This is an adult game that BOTH parties sign up for-- the Submissive enjoys the attention as much as the Dominant enjoys 'dishing' it out. Pay attention to the word 'game'-- that tells you what you need to know about these seemingly disturbing actions.

2) While the intensity of the physical interaction varies between 'players', it is extremely rare that the Sub is injured to the point of blood flow; an experienced Dom knows how to mete out painful punishment without inflicting any more damage than reddened skin or the occasional welt. 

3) Because the meeting is called a 'scene' and the Dom and Sub are 'roles', you can infer that, at least in part, they are ACTING. Since it is not real, there is always an agreed upon word which ends the scene if it gets too intense (often called a 'safe word'); realistically, both parties are in regular communication with each other as people, not actors, and are well aware of each other's limitations.

4) Many of these DS associations are the most meaningful and fulfilling relationships both people have in their lives. 

Some little known facts:

The SUBMISSIVE is the one controlling the play, not the Dominant, even though the Dom has the tool and often the sub is bound. One word from the sub and play stops.

There is great respect between the two. Often there is love. Sometimes they are married.

When play is over, the hierarchy vanishes. Sometimes, in their real lives, the dominant is actually the submissive.

Most of the people playing these scenes are: Above average in intelligence, above average in earnings and have jobs in all areas of life; as doctors, accountants, carpenters, judges, teachers.

Many have families, children and spouses. Often their spouses are NOT their subs or doms but know all about it.

Only occasionally is sex involved in the scene, though nudity is common.

Surprised so far? I sure was, the first time I heard about it. The person who taught me about it (a subbie) had to drag me to my first event-- I was apprehensive to say the least.  

When I arrived I was astonished by the decor-- the building was converted to look like a dungeon inside! It was originally a large Craftsman style private dwelling, but every room was modified to service the task at hand. Windows were stuffed with soundproofing and covered with heavy drapery, large dripping candles lighted the interiors and postmodern industrial music throbbed everywhere. There were large pieces of furniture I had never seen before... with people strapped to them! Spring-reinforced machinery ging-ginged with creaking abuse. It was like an x-rated Halloween party-- all the guests were wearing tight, revealing garments not ever seen on city streets. Some were bound, chained or crawling. One woman wore nothing but a super hero outfit-- made entirely of body paint. I didn't realize that for the first few minutes of our conversation, but at some point it registered a whopping 9 on the tent pole scale.

But if I closed my eyes, I would almost have been convinced that this was a normal party. The conversations of people not involved in scenes (and that was most of them) were ordinary-- family, jobs, bills.  Walking into the scene rooms was an entirely different matter, though. The only noise in those rooms were the sounds of leather and wood slapping flesh, accompanied by the involuntary groans and whimpers of submissives receiving their 'punishment'. Wide-eyed and appreciative audiences crowded each room, lapping up each emotional outburst. 

The building was filled with dark nooks and corners, and in each one was a bevy of semi-clothed practitioners grinding out satisfaction, bodies swollen and shiny and trickling with shuddering sentiment. The stench of latent sexuality swabbed the air. As I entered another scene room, I noticed my friend, who was now nude and bound on a rack, receiving an ass paddling from 2 dominatrixes furiously intent on turning that tushie into an overripe tomato.

Truly an eye opener. By the end of the evening I was hooked. And spent.

Uhh, ahem! I had a point... what was it again?

OH! I remember. Being both a dom and in an anger management class, I had to figure out if one was working against the other, or if they were mutually exclusive, or even mutually beneficial. I had to ask:

Is this violence? Or is it the solution to violence? Is it an imperfect solution?

It's important for me to know! 

I know I must not hit or hurt people against their will. But what if I have been encouraged to do so with their blessing? What if the person is genuinely requesting it, appreciates it and thanks me for it, as they do in BDSM? 

What should I do about boxing training, a place where it's okay if I hit people and make them bloody! Does that effect my learning at anger management class?

And my kinky-ass girlfriend doesn't get an orgasm unless I punch her the hell out during sex. Am I able to deal with these wacky mixed feelings?

One month a year I go to Central America to help the Sandanistas defeat an imperialistic regime and its snarling cur-dog leader. How can anger management help me with the emotion-producing event of a point-blank bayonetting?

Obviously I am making an absurdist point, that all these things are happening out there in the world as of this date, if not to me. With humans at this near-primordial stage of evolution, is there even a point to anger management? In society for the most part, we have stowed away many of our survival instincts... but they surface at a moment's notice when we feel our safety is in danger. How can anger management possibly hope to combat a genetic prerogative?

We live, and have always lived, among polar opposites. We probably always will. I can't debate the philosophical implications of living a contrasting life... well I can, but I won't, at least not today. I can, however, point out that combatting anger is like combatting sleep-- it's natural, it happens, and I can't stop it, no matter how I try. What I CAN do is find a way to make it more effective.

Ahhh... I see! So THAT'S what anger management is for!

A Fly's Eye View of My Mind

I've gotten angry in my life-- really, really angry. I mean the huff-and-puff, tear-your-hair-out, eyeballs- pointing- in- different- directions kind of mad. But it wasn't until I started taking anger management classes that I began to get a good look at the very nature of emotion.

I'm not a doctor, so I won't try to explain how it all works-- I'm not that sure how it all works myself. I only know that in hearing about the process, I developed an awareness of when my anger would build up. I became analytical and fascinated by how the release of different chemical compounds into my bloodstream triggered the effect known as 'emotion'. 

Scientists know that the very act of trying to measure a phenomena changes it, and a similar effect happened to me. I would find myself at the beginning of an emotion-producing event (read: an angry moment), and instead of rushing into the emotion, I would begin to think about the events leading up to the anger. I'd take apart the moment in my head and try to determine what was actually happening-- WITHOUT letting the feelings overtake my calm and reason. 

I had to analyze the situation rationally.

I tell you, the result was startling! Instead of reacting to an angry person with an autonomic mirrored emotion, I found myself running down a checklist to see if it was 'worth it' to holler back:

      • Did I have anything to lose by engaging in an argument?

      • Is this worth my time?

      • Do I even care?

      • Is this my problem... or theirs?

The last item on the list was an eye-opener for me the first time I thought of it. I began to see that because we can't read each other's thoughts, a great potential for miscommunication is possible. I don't know what is going on inside the mind of somebody who is yelling at me because I dropped a book. Are they in emotional turmoil about another matter? Was it THEIR rare and expensive book that I just dropped? Or was a painful emotional event triggered by their dropping of a book in their past sometime?

I can't expect to know the answer to these questions immediately for each event-- it's usually not a good time for a personal interview! But what I CAN expect is to know the answer to those questions when posed to ME. And there's the magic:

I'm NOT in emotional turmoil about another matter! It's not MY rare and expensive book that I just dropped! It WASN'T a painful emotional event triggered by my dropping of a book in my past sometime!

So because I have answered those questions in the negative, I realize I have no emotion at stake in the moment! This is important: I HAVE NO REASON TO BE ANGRY BACK! So they yell at me... so what? This emotion is THEIRS, completely. My response should be nothing more or less than a chipper "Oops! Sorry!" and then a moving on with my day.

This little realization eliminated virtually all the anger I might have had during 'tense moments' with strangers, and most of the emotion produced during events with friends, family and business associates. 

All that remained were the most problematic of people: The BUTTON PUSHER.

Button pushers are control freaks and manipulators, doing what they do to achieve some selfish purpose. Button pushers WANT my angry reaction, and know me well enough to know what has angered me in the past. My trigger points, if you will. So they pull the trigger on one button after another until I display the anger that they are looking for. When I do, and I always have in the past, it is time for them to manipulate me, for I am no longer in control nor thinking rationally.

The value of situation analysis is most evident when thwarting the button pusher. The problem, however, is in keeping the presence of mind to begin the process. In other words:

I have to keep from getting mad so I can analyze the situation and come up with a solution, so I can keep from getting mad... 

!!!

So how do I do that? Constant evaluation. If I know the person is a button pusher, I dismantle every word that comes out of their mouth, starting with 'Hello'. This way I remain objective and scientific and am less 'in the moment' when they utter a manipulative statement. I hear the thought and know the intent.

Button Pusher: Hi.

Me: Hi.

BP: I hear your daughter got another tattoo (BP knows I'm not a fan of tattoos on my daughter). It sure sucks that you can't control her.

 

Button pusher wants to rattle me, keep me off-balance so they can achieve their goal, and so tries to stir up an emotional cauldron to achieve that. Since I know that's what he/she is trying to do, my best answer will not feed into that and will show unconditional support for my child:

Me: They're starting to grow on me-- she always picks clever or artistic tats. I like that she thinks about them before getting them.

I can leave it there. But if I want to zing back I can use their own tactics against them:

Me: But I heard your son was arrested for check kiting. Apples sure don't fall far from the tree, huh?

But since my objective is to avoid anger and argument, I would just think that last sentence, and move on with my day, smugly self satisfied that it was I who was the controller, not the controlled.

When I don't know the manipulator they're much more difficult to spot.  The button pusher can catch me off guard. So how do I protect myself from them?

I use several techniques. Remember, we're talking about a complete stranger in this situation, so the aforementioned question applies: 

Is this my problem... or theirs?

Since they are a stranger, they know nothing about me-- they're just fishing to see what bites. I discourage their attempts by being vague and positive and moving on:

"I'm  a stranger to you, so I'm sure you're mistaken. Have a nice day."

Or I could expose their attempts, since the manipulator counts on the sneak attack:

"Hey, are you trying to push my buttons? What are you after?"

Or I could play innocent:

"Wow, you're so nice! Give me your number-- do I have a gal/guy for you!"

Wait... I'm off topic. I  first chose these pictures and heading because I wanted to explore the 'fly on the wall' solution to anger management, and reading back I see I did that, though not in so many words.

As a fly on the wall of your dealings with others, you can remain impartial and detached while you examine the conversation for manipulation, smokescreens and sparks. You'd be a little like the guy who runs your brain, who filters and processes all events and then sends down the proper emotion so the body can react in the outside world. If you've ever seen a TV show where the character has a decision to make and suddenly a little devil and a little angel pop up onto their shoulders, both whispering conflicting advice to him, then you can visualize what I'm trying to say. Just flick that little devil guy off your shoulder-- he's not helping anything.

After all these words, it all boils down to just four:

TRY TO REMAIN DISPASSIONATE.

Which I guess is like saying that when you hit your thumb with a hammer:

TRY NOT TO CUSS.

Personal Observations From a Closet Bawler

I've heard all the talk, all around me, my whole damn life:

Men Don't Cry;

Emotion Is For The Weak;

Bottling Up Your Feelings Creates Character;

... and I have to tell ya, it all sounds like bullshit to me now. 

I have groused about our dysfunctional society forever, to no avail; it continues on its destructive path unabated. With few exceptions we live in a 'every man for himself, only the strong survive, ya snooze ya lose' world, and that causes stress for everyone-- man, woman, child. And stress, besides being a killer, is also the primary impetus for destructive behaviors-- selfishness, greed, theft, violence and the like.

I'm no genius, but it seems clear to me: Remove the stress and the destructive behaviors disappear. Sadly, I know that's not going to happen, society-wide, anytime soon. So I try to reduce my own stress as much as I can by changing things I can change, and by moderating the effects of things  I can't change.

One of the most important moderations I have found is to cry. We learned it as children: when hurt, cry.

Okay, one of society's wrongs is how it tends to punish men for crying-- a crying man is seen as weak and therefore easy to intimidate or dominate.  Yes, there are certain times when men crying is deemed appropriate; at funerals, for example, or when your team makes it to the playoffs but doesn't win. 

But for other situations, crying is a huge no-no (societally speaking, of course): with breakups, a man needs his stiff upper lip; losing a valued job is done with a steely gaze; and sad movies, where guys practically need to bring onions as an excuse.

I solve that problem by crying where people can't see me. Or by crying around people who don't know me. Or best yet, by holding it in until I collapse in racking sobs on the floor of a supply closet. Okay, the last one was a joke, but the point is I think it's important to cry when it is needed-- tears wash the pain away.

You know, I have had a lot of trouble crying in the one place where it is completely appropriate to do so-- in the anger management group I attend. I speak carefully there, to avoid exposing any live emotional wires which might spark a bout of blubbery. I don't know why I do this-- I guess it's because I have traditionally preferred to cry alone.

But a special circumstance exists in the group. We spend 2 hours a week exploring fear, pain and anger, and in a very personal way; each member is encouraged to bring up their own personal sensitive situations so we can break it apart and expose all the emotions jumbling around in our brains.

So this week was a banner one in our group: one of our bravest members told a story so painful and revealing that at the end of it, he was in tears and the rest of us were either blinking back eyes glistening over, biting our lips and squinting, nodding in somber agreement or clucking in sympathy. The group ended in hugs and back slaps-- for a bunch of guys that were supposedly abusive, it looked more like a reunion of old friends. And it was enormously gratifying.

I have noticed a metamorphosis of myself in our group in the nine months I've been there: in the beginning I was green, a newbie. I didn't know what to expect and was intimidated by what I though must be a room full of murderers. There was a routine I had to learn involving personal admissions. As a shy public speaker I had to swallow my fear and trepidation and admit to things I didn't want to believe were true. 

Over time it has become much easier to 'spill my guts'. Yes, I still throw a bunch of comedy into my dissertations to mask the pain and embarrassment, but I eventually forge forth with the truth, hard as it is. I have found that I have begun to trust these guys, even look forward to hearing their stories and hearing their responses to mine. I thought in the beginning that the group leader would be the one with all the knowledge, the person who would take the mystery out of these confusing situations. Don't get me wrong... he does... but I was surprised and gratified at all the pearls of wisdom thrown about by the members themselves. 

So I guess learning does take place in that room-- people (myself included) find out how to identify their troubling emotions and modify their behavior to yield better results than the one that landed them in this room to begin with.

And one of the most important pieces of information I learned was that I actually WAS an angry guy! I never thought I was, since I never got into fights and rarely got into arguments (except with my wife). It turns out I was stuffing my anger, frustration and fear deep into my head in order to prevent a scene, which ended up popping out at inappropriate times in my home life.

Most importantly, I became aware of how society's guidelines have failed us. Men not only SHOULD cry... they MUST cry! It's a vitally important relief valve. As an example: If I build a tank designed to hold pressure and don't install a relief valve for when the pressure gets too great, the tank will burst. It seems an oversimplification, but hey, it's accurate.

So to my friend in class, the one who let loose a torrent of tears amidst an avalanche of emotions-- good going, buddy! I bet it helped put things into perspective and gave you a renewed feeling of hope for the future! 

You know, I'm almost waiting for the next emotionally jarring event in my life so I can have a good cry about it and come away with some positive life lessons...

Almost.

I Feel (insert emotion) When (insert behavior) Because (insert consequence)

Sounds easy, right?

Hoo Boy!  It's not. (Hoo Boy? There I go, dating myself back to the early days of Mad Magazine...)

What am I talking about? Why, 'I' Messages, of course. It sounds easy-- to phrase my desire to another person using only the word 'I', never the word 'you'. It is NOT easy to me-- it doesn't roll off the tongue. It isn't the first thing I think of. I ain't no good at it.

Let me try an example. Let's say I have a 10 year old daughter who wants a toy that I don't want her to have. We're at the toy store and after we leave, I notice she has the toy-- she has shoplifted it. 

How do I bring up the subject to her? Of course I'm angry, ashamed and disappointed-- these are not behaviors I'm proud of seeing my daughter display.

Well, using 'I' messages lets her get the message without feeling subjugated-- when I use the word 'you' when describing a behavior that needs to be discontinued, it feels like a dart in the gut to the receiver of my thought. An 'I' message, however, tells the listener how I feel watching them-- it makes no judgement calls or sheds no harsh light on their sensitive feelings.

An 'I' message to the above situation might sound like this:

"I feel sad when I see shoplifting going on because I know the shoplifter will go to jail."

As a parent, though, I might be more likely to snap at her with a comment like:

"You don't steal! Stealing is bad. Bad people steal and bad people go to jail. Do you want to go to jail?"

I'm certain the 'I' message was the softer delivery. But now that I think about it, I would want my daughter to remember this lesson-- so I might opt for the more stinging message carried in the 'you' message.

But in most cases I'll be talking to another adult, not my 10 year old daughter. In cases where I am talking to an equal, I use a Simple Rule:

Convey the statement in a way that would feel okay to me if I were hearing it describing my own behavior.

In other words... BE NICE.

Is that so tough? If somebody cuts in front of me in line, which will work better: Snarling at them to leave, or guilting them into doing the right thing? Which would work better if I were the one doing the cutting?

An old fable has the Sun and the Wind gambling on who can take an old man's coat off. The Wind blew and blew, but the old man held on tightly to his coat. Then the Sun began to warm, and the old man stripped off the coat to keep cool.

Sub Moral: BE NICE.

Grand Moral: 'I' MESSAGES =  BEING NICE

But you knew that, didn't you? Didn't you? You'd have to be dumb not to know that. You'd have to be a real moron not to figure it out. I mean, how friggin' stupid would you be if you were oblivious to this piece of sophomoric knowledge?

OOPS... those are 'YOU' messages!

See? I TOLD you 'I' messages were hard for me.

I feel (STUPID) when (I MAKE THAT MISTAKE REPEATEDLY) because (I THINK PEOPLE WON'T RESPECT ME).

Ahhhh... now we're getting somewhere.