The Anger Management Weekly is a blog all about admissions, and this entry is a prime example. I will admit to a piece of my personality not known to the general public-- heck, it's not known to most of my friends!
It's not because I am ashamed of what I am about to tell you that I keep it a secret, oh no. However, I AM ashamed of our society and it's 'lowest common denominator' style of tolerance-- only those things which are widely performed when in private stand a chance at acceptance publicly... but those things which are NOT perceived as normal might never gain ground.
I am also ashamed at how our society forces people into categories based on small bits of information about them... how, for example, a person trapped in a loveless marriage seeks a little human contact just once, is somehow found out, and is forever tagged as an 'adulterer', though the adultery part of their life is an infinitesimal (that's realllllly small) percentage of their whole character.
Nonetheless I forge ahead, labels be damned.
I am a dom.
For all you vanilla folks out there, a 'dom' is short for a 'dominant'. In the wide world of physical/emotional titillation, a small but growing portion of our culture sees value in the 'pain/pleasure principle' with regard to sensual excitement.
That's where S&M comes in.
Okay, here's a primer. S&M (sadism & masochism) falls under the larger tent of BDSM. BDSM is a neatly compacted set of abbreviations which open up into B&D (bondage & discipline), D&S (dominance & submission) and S&M (which you already know).
Psychiatrists have a field day with the personality types that make up the subculture of BDSM, but that's a lesson for another class. Today's post is about the relationship between a Dominant and a Submissive, a relationship which is most often compared to that of an authoritarian parent and their disobedient child.
Whether or not corporal punishment is 'right' for children is not the issue here; I personally detest hitting a child for any reason, and have not hit my daughter in her life. The comparison is meant to convey the emotions in the situation: the authoritarian parent LOVES the child and believes that the painful punishment will keep their child from getting hurt in the future; the child LOVES the parent for caring about them even as they HATE the punishment.
In an adult DS relationship, the actions of the Dom fulfill an emotional need in the Sub; and the reverse is true as well-- the Dom is getting what he/she needs emotionally when punishing their Submissive.
There are a couple of important points to make before you call the vice squad on me:
1) This is an adult game that BOTH parties sign up for-- the Submissive enjoys the attention as much as the Dominant enjoys 'dishing' it out. Pay attention to the word 'game'-- that tells you what you need to know about these seemingly disturbing actions.
2) While the intensity of the physical interaction varies between 'players', it is extremely rare that the Sub is injured to the point of blood flow; an experienced Dom knows how to mete out painful punishment without inflicting any more damage than reddened skin or the occasional welt.
3) Because the meeting is called a 'scene' and the Dom and Sub are 'roles', you can infer that, at least in part, they are ACTING. Since it is not real, there is always an agreed upon word which ends the scene if it gets too intense (often called a 'safe word'); realistically, both parties are in regular communication with each other as people, not actors, and are well aware of each other's limitations.
4) Many of these DS associations are the most meaningful and fulfilling relationships both people have in their lives.
Some little known facts:
The SUBMISSIVE is the one controlling the play, not the Dominant, even though the Dom has the tool and often the sub is bound. One word from the sub and play stops.
There is great respect between the two. Often there is love. Sometimes they are married.
When play is over, the hierarchy vanishes. Sometimes, in their real lives, the dominant is actually the submissive.
Most of the people playing these scenes are: Above average in intelligence, above average in earnings and have jobs in all areas of life; as doctors, accountants, carpenters, judges, teachers.
Many have families, children and spouses. Often their spouses are NOT their subs or doms but know all about it.
Only occasionally is sex involved in the scene, though nudity is common.
Surprised so far? I sure was, the first time I heard about it. The person who taught me about it (a subbie) had to drag me to my first event-- I was apprehensive to say the least.
When I arrived I was astonished by the decor-- the building was converted to look like a dungeon inside! It was originally a large Craftsman style private dwelling, but every room was modified to service the task at hand. Windows were stuffed with soundproofing and covered with heavy drapery, large dripping candles lighted the interiors and postmodern industrial music throbbed everywhere. There were large pieces of furniture I had never seen before... with people strapped to them! Spring-reinforced machinery ging-ginged with creaking abuse. It was like an x-rated Halloween party-- all the guests were wearing tight, revealing garments not ever seen on city streets. Some were bound, chained or crawling. One woman wore nothing but a super hero outfit-- made entirely of body paint. I didn't realize that for the first few minutes of our conversation, but at some point it registered a whopping 9 on the tent pole scale.
But if I closed my eyes, I would almost have been convinced that this was a normal party. The conversations of people not involved in scenes (and that was most of them) were ordinary-- family, jobs, bills. Walking into the scene rooms was an entirely different matter, though. The only noise in those rooms were the sounds of leather and wood slapping flesh, accompanied by the involuntary groans and whimpers of submissives receiving their 'punishment'. Wide-eyed and appreciative audiences crowded each room, lapping up each emotional outburst.
The building was filled with dark nooks and corners, and in each one was a bevy of semi-clothed practitioners grinding out satisfaction, bodies swollen and shiny and trickling with shuddering sentiment. The stench of latent sexuality swabbed the air. As I entered another scene room, I noticed my friend, who was now nude and bound on a rack, receiving an ass paddling from 2 dominatrixes furiously intent on turning that tushie into an overripe tomato.
Truly an eye opener. By the end of the evening I was hooked. And spent.
Uhh, ahem! I had a point... what was it again?
OH! I remember. Being both a dom and in an anger management class, I had to figure out if one was working against the other, or if they were mutually exclusive, or even mutually beneficial. I had to ask:
Is this violence? Or is it the solution to violence? Is it an imperfect solution?
It's important for me to know!
I know I must not hit or hurt people against their will. But what if I have been encouraged to do so with their blessing? What if the person is genuinely requesting it, appreciates it and thanks me for it, as they do in BDSM?
What should I do about boxing training, a place where it's okay if I hit people and make them bloody! Does that effect my learning at anger management class?
And my kinky-ass girlfriend doesn't get an orgasm unless I punch her the hell out during sex. Am I able to deal with these wacky mixed feelings?
One month a year I go to Central America to help the Sandanistas defeat an imperialistic regime and its snarling cur-dog leader. How can anger management help me with the emotion-producing event of a point-blank bayonetting?
Obviously I am making an absurdist point, that all these things are happening out there in the world as of this date, if not to me. With humans at this near-primordial stage of evolution, is there even a point to anger management? In society for the most part, we have stowed away many of our survival instincts... but they surface at a moment's notice when we feel our safety is in danger. How can anger management possibly hope to combat a genetic prerogative?
We live, and have always lived, among polar opposites. We probably always will. I can't debate the philosophical implications of living a contrasting life... well I can, but I won't, at least not today. I can, however, point out that combatting anger is like combatting sleep-- it's natural, it happens, and I can't stop it, no matter how I try. What I CAN do is find a way to make it more effective.
Ahhh... I see! So THAT'S what anger management is for!
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