My Own Personal Savior

Hello again world. I've managed to make it through another week without an event.  You know... an EVENT.  In this busy and frazzling world there are all too many people who are wavering on the edge of a dangerous drop-off, ready to take the first person with them who passes by. And in my precarious legal situation, I'm not ready to be that sacrificial lamb. Knowing as I do that the courts are not living up to its original design, and that  formerly wise decisions have been reduced to following a rote set of by-the-numbers procedures, I'm certainly not interested in standing before it again. 

To prevent that very occurrence, I did some studying, some soul-searching and some old-fashioned legwork to produce a go-to concept that would keep me calm in almost any situation. Sound good? It works for me, anyway.

Method One: 

Use empathy. For me, it's like a reverse of the golden rule (Do unto others as you would have others do unto you). When somebody yells (or otherwise displays anger) at you, they are breaking that rule (unless they want to be yelled at, which is why they are yelling at you). My response: I could yell back, or I could cower, or I could evoke empathy for the other person. I am ignoring their anger and doing to others how I would like to be done.  

For example:

Say I'm walking past a house, on the sidewalk. There's a person on the porch. They shout "Get the hell offa my lawn!" Ignoring the potential that they're just lonely with limited social skills, I only know that I was NOT on their lawn. I could respond several ways:

"I wasn't on your lawn!" -- correcting them. It takes a big person to admit they've made a mistake, and they've already shown poor grace by yelling at a stranger, so they're not likely to finish up with "Oops! My mistake! Have a nice day!"

"I'm sorry!" -- cowering.   I am apologizing for something I did not do. Ends the conflict, but makes me feel like a doormat, and I may yell at someone later because of it.

"Fuck you, asshole!" -- yelling back. Often produces more yelling, and maybe violent confrontation. Something I probably want to avoid.

My solution? Be empathetic. I try to figure out why someone would yell at a stranger who didn't do what they are accusing them of. Usually I end up with the thought, "Something must be bothering them. Maybe they were a doormat earlier, and I am the person they yell at because of it." 

Whatever the reason, it's pretty obvious that the problem is completely in their court. Since I will be out of their life in a moment or two, I might smile and wave, and continue on my way. It's benign. It doesn't say 'I did it', or 'I'm sorry', or 'bite me'. It's just a friendly greeting. 

I know it may not make the yeller happy, but it doesn't provoke or egg them on. And I feel good knowing I avoided a 'situation'.

Method Two:

Use Humor. In the right moment (and picking the right moment for humor is critical), humor stops the anger cold, and may even create a friendship. I wouldn't say it except through personal observation-- it actually happened to me. I was at a new job, on a jobsite working for a large construction company. I walked into a room and surprised the crap out of another employee, a burly plasterer with a cig hanging from his lip and a metal flask in his pocket. With voice like a wood rasp he shouted, "Scare me, willya? I'll kick your ass, faggot!" (his words, not mine).

In a flash I adopted the persona of a swishy queen, prancing around and wiggling my butt and said in a squeaky voice, "You want my ass, big fella? Get in line behind the plumber!"

I swear he froze like I told him he just stepped on a land mine. Then he started to laugh, and shouted "Good one! What's your name, kid?" Cut to now-- we still hang out sometimes.

That's what I call my own personal savior-- the list.  The list of methods for keeping me out of trouble, out of fights, out of court, out of jail. There are more, and I'll get to them as I remember them, but that's it for now.