You Thought You'd Seen The Last Of Me, Eh?

Just because my very last court-mandated session was held last night, did you really think I'd abandon you? Just up and leave you like dust in the wind? Do you think you can slow me down with something tempting like a 'completed' citation to hand to the judge, do you? Oh no, Wile E. Coyote, I'm in there for the long haul. 

Actually, I HAD thought about dropping the blog like a hot stone, leaving a final post with only the words "OUT CAUSIN' TROUBLE' as my epitaph to you, dear reader... but I would be misplacing the sentiment-- it's not you I am leaving-- only the 'required' part of class. In all likelihood I will return to the group, once- or twice-monthly, either as a refresher or when there is an authentic anger emergency I have to work through. There's nothing like live feedback (not that there's anything wrong with silently listening to me complain, right?).

My topic tonight is twofold. The first you have already guessed. This blog would not exist had it not been for the suggestion of my brilliant facilitator, XXXXX (privacy is an important part of the group experience, which is why I left Dave's name out [I'm just kidding. My facilitator's name isn't Dave at all! It's Brad {I'd do another dumb joke, but I've run out of bracket styles.}.].). 

XXXXX, or 5X, as we like to call him (OR her... you can't be sure!?!) made the wise statement that of 168 possible hours in a week, we only attended sessions for 2 of them, so if we felt like talking about something which happens during the week, we should write it down. Well, my imagination took off from there and I used the space to instead wax philosophic. Now that the class has ended (for me-- it continues ad infinitum for all others), I find I am enjoying the release of endorphins that comes from a satisfying writing session, plus the ability to tell stories to the world-- 

stories that nobody in the world will ever hear. 

But that part's okay. It'll be my legacy long after I've turned to dust, burned onto a disc marked 'One Man's Ramblings In The Dark' and filed in a box containing a thousand other mans' ramblings, next to another box, and another, on a rack in a room of a warehouse, one of many, all filled with all of Men's Dark Ramblings. A cosmic CD-ROM will keep track of it all at the end of time, I'm certain.

All right, sarcasm notwithstanding, I am happy to be done with the stress of remembering to be in one place at a specific time for a whole year. I'm joyful to be getting my Tuesday nights back (or is it Thursdays...?) to use as I wish. I am ecstatic that I can take a vacation which crosses a Tuesday without feeling guilt at missing my class (something I never got to feel firsthand, as I attended 52 straight sessions, no absences, no tardies. What a brownnose-- I even brought cookies!). And best of all, now I get to ask one of the facilitators out on a date-- she (or he, or it) is smokin'! (now... is that true or am I just throwing up pixie dust?)

On to topic two.

Too many vacations! Let me to explain...

I've long been taking 'road trip' vacations with one friend, sometimes two, twice or thrice yearly. We'd choose a midway point and check out every cool thing between there and here, usually following a non-highway jaggedy-loop. We'd flush out the local hangs and do what the Romans do, learn the secrets of their localities and of course, get looped and tied.  Sometimes I would fly to a neutral location where we would meet and embark by Reñtaçar. Well, thanks to my long year of 'servitude to anger', friends have been waiting... and waiting... and waiting still... and now they are calling. I've got requests for road trips to Vegas, Enseñada and Anchorage, with a potential visit to the lush backlands of Idaho. What the hell to do?

Ooooh... I'm reading some physical cues! I can feel the tickle of something happening... I think I can read my emotional state... I'm getting that certain feeling... yes, I'm pretty sure that I'm... HAPPY! So many choices! You know what would be ideal? If each of my peeps could schedule their time with me consecutively, so that I'd have a long, long vacation.

That would be ideal, I said. What has actually occurred is that all my friends got the same exact 2 weeks off in June and are clamoring for my time, so instead of a best case scenario, I have the opposite. I'm left wondering what to do? Do I pick the most exotic location and travel with the friend who wanted to go there? Or do I choose the most fun friend of the bunch and go with them? Maybe I could go with the one who doesn't mind paying... or the one who has a jet... or the one who puts out... the possibilities are legion!

Maybe I could begin a lottery of sorts, auctioning myself off to the highest bidder?

Aww, who am I kidding? If I tried some egotistical crap like that, the chances are that my friends would go on vacation with each other and keep me out of the loop altogether as punishment, leaving me to drink beer after beer, sobbing out back in my little kiddie pool. Nah, I'm gonna have to man up and pick a clever method to choose my happy. I pounded the turf trying to reach a suitable choice, wearing grooves in the sod as I concentrated. Then it came to me!

I just learned all sorts of valuable tools in AM class (that's Anger Management, for all you antiacronymaniacs), and could probably use one of them to guide my process. The one tool everyone knows about is the Time Out... where I take an hour to separate from the source of my feelings and reflect on my own emotional 'treasure trove'... but I can't imagine that would help here, since my feelings stem from a weighty decision, not from an emotion-packed event involving another human being.

Then there's also 'Self Care', 'I Messages', 'Positive Self Talk', 'Door Openers', 'Listening For Understanding', the '4-4-4', 'Understanding Physical Cues', 'Stress Thoughts', 'Assertive Language', using 'Problem Solving'...

Problem solving! That's it! We should use the tool which calls for problem solving whenever there's a problem which needs solving! Okay, I've figured it out! Only...

HOW am I supposed to use this tool? Do I just sit quietly, with my eyes closed, mulling over all the variables and then magically spit out an answer? Here I go... mulling... mulling... mull... I GOT  IT! I'll use the wisdom of Abraham and cut myself into 4 pieces so part of me can go with each friend! Brilliant!

Ummm, brilliantly stupid, that is. Abraham only suggested that solution to the two women fighting over the one child, but only so they could see that a traditional sharing of acquired material wasn't gonna cut it (heh, heh, heh... cut it-- get it?). So I thought some more and then realized the final solution was the same as the answer Abraham ultimately elicited from the women. They both loved the baby, so instead of sawing it it two and each keeping one dead half, they realized it was smarter to share the TIME of that baby's life... and so became the first lesbian nuclear family.

VIOLA! I have to go on vacation with LESBIANS!

Okay, wait... I'm sure that's not the correct answer... although I have to admit it is a little provocative... and more than a little salacious! Think pal, think! How do I share myself with all my friends for one two-week period?  How? HOW?

I got it. The answer was right in front of me the whole time, and I just walked right by it. Boy, it's funny how blind we can be-- okay, ME. It's funny how blind I can be. I made a few phone calls, and a new plan was set into motion. I just rented a vehicle for the trip...

AN RV! We're all going together!

SO damn EASY. 

See you in a few weeks.