Not Ready For Prime Time Quite Yet...

I know you're gonna ask, so I'll just say it... the vacation hasn't happened yet. I'll let you know.

In the meantime, I find that taking a week off from group was not only cathartic, but to my surprise, it was also expected of me. Nobody even anticipated my arrival, because I had completed my obligation to the court and was no longer required to show up. I'm a rehabilitated man, in the eyes of the court. The Judge used almost those same sentiments when he saw me last week.

"You have completed your mandatory 52 anger management sessions. You may be excused." I think he also said, "Next case." Warm guy. But no matter-- the tether has been broken, the chains have been removed. I'm free!

What am I carrying on about, you must be thinking... it's not like I have just been released from some dark and dangerous prison-- it was a once-weekly AA meeting for mostly mild and meek guys with flashpoint issues. I know, I know. But I DO feel as though my MENTAL bonds have been cut, and I am again alone to make my own decisions, right or wrong. 

I also feel like I am up on a tightrope without a net. When I went to a weekly meeting, I had a support group, peers who knew exactly what I was talking about and respected me enough to help me get through rough patches. Now, I'm supposed to fend for myself, go bravely into that good night? Frankly, I'm worried.

I think back, even to recent days, when I experienced brief stints of frustration and rage at how many people break the golden rule towards each other, and with such startling regularity. You might know, that that is one of my trigger points. I want to see people treat each other well, and when I watch some fool behave in a selfish, greedy, angry or childish manner towards their fellow man, I just wanna TAKE THEIR FUCKING HEADS OFF!

Which of course, I do NOT. People NEED their heads. Besides, it's very difficult to learn the lesson I am about to rain down upon them if they have no brain in which to store the new information, right?

Also, if I've learned one thing in AM, it's that people are far less receptive to learning new things if they are defensive. Whatever I want to teach those soul-forsaken rapsnappers had better be done in a way that doesn't insult them or put them on their guard, and then they will remember, right? I have to believe that's true, because otherwise I'm certain I'll find myself right in front of a judge again, and maybe one who will use me as an example. "Behead that man!" Nah, I don't want that. I NEED my head.

So I keep silent. "It's not my battle" has become my mantra. "Don't get involved" is a poster over my bed. "Live and let live" is the tune I hum over and over. "Change Daily" is stitched into my underwear... MOM! STOP DOING THAT!

And when all else fails, I know of a place I can go, where troubles are all the same, where everybody knows my name. And when I'm done at Cheers I head over to the AM class to get the real work done. Which is where I'm heading tonight, because I have some unloading I need to do, and there's not a better place to dump shit than in that room. There, the shit gets pored over, dissected, separated and placed into recycling. Really, it's the best place to go if you want to green the earth. There's one bin for plastic, one for metal, one for fear, one for frustration, and there's a dumpster out back to toss your anger, one that gets emptied three times a day.

Yes, I said it. I'm goin' back. I'm caving in and returning to the womb. Do I feel like a loser? Absolutely. But do I feel like a loser for going back? Absolutely not. Because if there's another thing I've learned, it's that you can accomplish more with two people than with one. You can accomplish more with three than two and so on. My class with a dozen or so souls gets a lot done. Following that logic, we need to have an AM Revivalist Meeting and collect about 5,000 angry people under one tent-- imagine what we'll accomplish with that many minds! We can discuss that later.

Anyway, off I tread to my ole stomping grounds. I'm not the first in my class to do so... there are two others who were court-mandated, and then returned to a voluntary status once their duty was fulfilled. All throughout the year I attended there were at least three voluntary members in each meeting. As the year progressed that number rose. Maybe it's the camaraderie we share... maybe it's the power held in these tools of awareness and control... or maybe it's the two very cute therapists who work with the group, I don't know. Anyhow, people are crowding that little room, and I would hate to see the dynamic change... again. 

When I started there were two therapists in the room. About 6 months into my 'treatment' one left to open another group, and we received the two new therapists we have now, bringing the total to three. The original head facilitator has been there since the beginning, to his credit.

People might be surprised that I returned, since I so often went head to head with the head honcho regarding head treatment. I did not do it for fun, nor for spite. I genuinely believe that Anger Management is a band-aid that covers the cancer-- it's not going to cure anything, just cover it up and make it look civilized. But since that is the best we can hope for in this slow-moving and backwards-thinking society, I'll take it. Even though the big boss man made sure to do a reality check whenever I pulled out the soapbox, sometimes taking me down a peg or two (or six) in the process, I'm not one to interfere with the learning process. As a former teacher, I know it's sometimes important to knock down the incorrect learning in a resistant student before the right stuff will take hold, and I welcomed his considerable input. I'm not going to say whether or not he swayed my opinion, but I certainly respected his enough not to let my big mouth take over the room.

Off I go to the brain shoppe. I have to sand a little resistance out of my mind and fill it with acceptance. Either that, or I go for the coffee and donuts.